Seren
I have been blocked for awhile now.
Losing Quincy was hard and I just didn’t feel good. See, Q was my studio partner and I was struggling to create here in California anyway, but when we had to put him down everything seemed to just slip away. I couldn’t write, I could barely journal and creating visual art was absolutely out of the question.
And instead of fighting it, I just slid into it the abyss.
I stopped worrying about updating my blogs, I stopped working on the book and although the mini-zine did get done that was by the grace of God because NOTHING else was getting done. I know, I know. I’m talking about a DOG…but he was my very best friend and letting go wasn’t an option, so I held on. The problem is, when you hold on to something that you need to let go of… you can’t hold on to anything else.
If you’ve never been severely blocked, you can’t know what I mean…but for those of you that know this pain…it’s enduring and hateful. It seeped into my "real life" and left me restless and speechless. I moped, I cried, I ate too much then too little, I drank beer for breakfast on Saturday mornings and watched more TV than any human should – especially one that doesn’t watch TV. Then fear took over.
I became afraid that my art wouldn’t be able to find its way back to me if I didn’t let Q go…and I still wouldn’t have Q! So…I forced myself to get my studio here in Cali. set up. I ordered a printer, shedder, floor mat and a work chair (which hasn’t arrived yet, but that’s OK). I bought some incredible new paint at Michael’s (and it was cheap/on sale). A trip to Ikea yielded magnetic work boards for $13! I love having a place to put stuff I need to look at and think about -- I’d been putting them off for months, but they are now up and look pretty cool in my funny little bungalow. I also cut my hair (yes, I cut my own hair…because my hubby isn’t here…he usually does that sort of thing. The upside of marrying an engineer is if you show him a diagram on how to do something…he can get it done! He even relaxes my hair…and no one does it better…he just follows the directions and Poof! It’s gorgeous every single time).
Once all the set up was done…I sat down at my art desk, in my stand-in chair, and went to work. First I addressed the 1001journal that arrived a few days after Q left. I laid out the bones of three spreads…the Glossy paint I picked up at Michael’s is incredible. I love how smooth the surface is after I’m done and the colors blend beautifully. The pages don’t stick together either, which is always nice…though a non-event for me because I almost always put a permanent protective sheet between my pages in a swap project. I’ve learned it’s the smart thing to do if I want them to survive.
This is the first 1001journal that I’ve gotten and I feel awful for keeping it as long as I have, but they don’t have strict guidelines…thank God! I was going to do heavy artwork in there, but the reality is I feel like words are in order since it is a journal project…so I’m taking the book with me on the road this week along with a few supplies. Not bad, huh? I figure it will end up a 5-page spread and then I’ll send it on to the next person on the list. If you’re interested in reading more about that project, check out the website: www.1001journals.com
Anyway…being in the studio all weekend, I ended up exhausted…utterly drained, sitting at my desk. I cleaned up and felt awful. My stomach was upset and I had a headache. I also experienced a drain on my emotional well being. None of the work that I’d done looked good anymore, I was lonely and became weepy. I needed to do some work-work, but all I could think was how much I hated my new job and being so far from my Hubby. I was also crabby because I would be flying AGAIN on Sunday back to Washington DC.
My mood got worse until I ended up in bed crying and telling myself it was time to quit this fiasco and go home! I fell asleep…and the dream that came was so vivid I remember the colors and smells as if they were not only real, but also happen just yesterday.
It was a super bright Southern California day and I was in the ocean. Now, for those of you that know me, you know that this was a dream. Although I live one block from the Ocean, I’m deathly afraid of large bodies of water and every little (and big) thing that lives in water. Yet, here I am in this dream in the Ocean…and swimming/treading water, neither of which do I really know how to do anymore. I was at the base of a long hill that dropped into the water and Quincy was walking along the top edge of the hill. I called his name and he stopped and looked down. When he saw me, he started down the hill…and although it got steeper and steeper, but he kept coming. I told him to stop…to stay…that I would crawl up, but he kept coming. He hunkered into a low squat and the hill became more dirt than grass and he began to slide down. I knew in "real life" his back hips wouldn’t be able to stand that pressure, but in the dream, he was more than agile…he was graceful! At this point, I knew this was a dream…odd thing, to be dreaming and know that you’re dreaming, but not wake up. It was truly a first for me.
I started swimming toward him, but began to get very tired because I had some sort of backpack on all of the sudden, but I never stopped to take it off, I just kept swimming toward the shore/hill. The tide caught me and it was seemingly pushing me back more than I was moving forward, but I kept calling for Q and stroking for the shore as he slid down closer. Then, I just couldn’t swim anymore. I was tired and Q was only half way down at best. I stopped and watched him, but I was sinking; though not drowning…just sinking. From under the water I looked up and Q jumped into the water. I reached out and I could feel him. Even now, touching him was so real…he could be sitting here watching me eat Cheetos and work on this entry.
We swam together…him towing me along effortlessly…then he was wearing the backpack. He was like a dolphin…swimming fast, but never too fast for me to hold on. I woke up as we were flying through the water…and there was so much joy in me that I got out of bed because I couldn’t stay tangled in the bed sheets. I spoke to Q there in the dark and I felt better…the odd thing was, normally I would have tried to get back to the dream, but this time…I was totally OK being awake. It was 2:30 am…and I would be getting up shortly to catch a 6am cross-country flight, but I was content. I was happy again. I am happy again.
Now, Q is in my dreams waiting for me when I need him. I talk to him here in the studio because I know that although he’s not physically here, he is always with me in spirit. I didn’t lose my friend; I lost my confidence…I lost my hope. The dream didn’t give that back to me, I gave it back to me by letting go of all the guilt and anger for not being there when Q needed me…and I needed him. Those hateful emotions blocked my ability to get inside of me…to hear my true self…to share my true self…to be my true self…and, therefore, I could not find Q – even though he was waiting right where I’d asked him to…I was keeping myself from Q, not the other way around.
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